A Love Story

Before we begin just a little caveat: The nature of the following topics makes it inevitable to talk about sex and internalised homophobia in case you haven't guessed it already.

love triangle

John met Paul and the girl both in 1957; Paul famously on July 6th at the Woolton Parish Church Garden Fête, the girl in the winter at a newsagent’s on Crawford Avenue, at least that is the first time they actually talk to each other, however briefly.

Paul and the girl quickly turn out to become the most important people in John's life, but whilst both are proper mates to him, he considers the girl to be his other half, the one who's been made just for him. As for Paul, he means ...something else. Something he struggles to come to grips with for a really long time.

So, is this whole affair truly a love triangle?
Given the most common definition of a love triangle - one person in a romantic relationship with someone is simultaneously pursuing a romantic relationship with someone else - well, it's complicated.

John refuses to think of his relationship with Paul as romantic, as something identical to what he has with the girl. Too great his fear of being perceived as gay and his own rejection of everything even slightly queer.
In additon to that, John is never sure about Paul's feelings anyway due to his constant toing and froing. Albeit it's often Paul who quite bluntly pursues sex with John, it only happens when the both of them are truly on their own and away from home.
Like John says so himself in his letter to the girl that he never sent: They’re not Macca & Johnny. They’re just some lads who play guitar and the people here know exactly as much as those lads want them to know. Mirrors and smokescreen. And when the lads return home, they’ll turn into Paul and John again and will never speak of the things that happened while they were away.
So is what they do just a naughty twist on the infamous group wanking sesssions? Is it just lads being lads?

And for all the sexual attraction between the girl and Paul - which for once isn't just a figment of John's imagination - they aren't interested in each other romantically.

jealousy

From the beginning of their relationship on - and actually before - John is quite possessive of the girl and extremely jealous of anybody who comes near her.

Funnily enough, John never seems to be seriously concerned about Paul's friendship with the girl (unlike the girl's special bond with George).
When Paul spots the girl at a chip shop one day in autumn, John talks him out of asking her out but that's more to knock Paul down a peg and - once he realises that she fits his idea of a sexy blonde perfectly - it's his macho attitude of having to have her first shining through.
After their first proper date, they start to see each other regularly, every Thursday, when Paul has to do chores around the house.
So, for quite a while, John keeps his relationship a secret. Though John is insecure and does fear that the girl, should she get to know Paul better could decide to date him instead, the real reason for hiding her away is that John is embarrassed of his genuine feelings for the girl, the rather romantic nature of their dates and of course the fact that he can't work up the courage to take their relationship a step further, despite how much he wants to have sex with her. And that doesn't fit his self-proclaimed image of an experienced skirt chaser at all.
Once that hurdle is overcome though - and in fact it's the girl who takes the initative - John and the girl become truly inseparable and John quite proudly shows her off, being well aware that he's the first one in his group of friends to have a steady girlfriend who isn't an edge of the bed virgin.
John's even fine with some degree of intimacy between the girl and Paul as long as he benefits from it as well or at least feels in control of the situation, namely having sex with the girl whilst Paul is present during their Hamburg stays, sharing a bed with Paul and the girl during their holidays in the early days, and actually enjoying some playful suggestiveness between the two.
But the truth is, the girl's and Paul's friendship outside this ménage-à-trois almost doesn't exist and therefore John is able to make sure everyone is playing according to his rules.
This only changes in '66, when Paul gets involved with the London underground art scene and thereby with the girl's circle of friends surrounding Robert Fraser whilst John leads a more and more reclusive life in Weybridge.
But then again, this kind of marks the beginning of the end of everything anyway.

what john wants

During their relationship, John is often on the verge of telling the girl the truth about himself and Paul, albeit out of selfish motives; doing so would put an end to the emotional rollercoaster, the little lies, guilt and shame - one way or another.

After his (not entirely voluntary) confession about what really happened between him and Brian Epstein in Barcelona, he at least knows that the girl, despite his worst fears, isn't disgusted by him for having a casual sexual encounter with another man.
However, she chalks it up to their shared belief of trying everything at least once and to some degree believes John also did it to curry favour with Brian.
Ultimatley, John decided to say nothing. In his warped idea of true love and faithfulness, what he has with Paul comes very close to cheating - in contrast to his numerous infidelities with other women. Deep inside he knows that the girl would be devastated to find out and seriously hurt. The fear of losing her is too great. As he thinks to himself numerous times, he can't imagine a life without her.

But does he want to have a threesome, you might ask?
He does toy with the idea and when not overcome with guilt or shame, the thought of Paul whilst being with the girl is a huge turn on, be it that he conjures Paul up in his imagination or that subtle similarities between the girl and Paul really get him going. And the most daring and perhaps the most devious, when he teaches the girl to satisfy him the exact same way Paul does.
But ultimatley the threesome is just that, an idea. And more precisely, the very cliché and selfish idea of two sexy people either getting it on with or putting on a bit of a show for him.
In reality John would never be able to share the girl with another man, not even - or especially not? - Paul. He's just too possessive of her and too hung up about the idea of keeping her pure and just for himself.

So, what's in it for him then? Surely, his dream would be to have a mother, a lover, a soulmate and a creative partner all bundled up in one person, instead he's stuck with the girl and Paul... until he meets Yoko.
But if that truly is the fulfillment of all his dreams is written in the stars - or rather my Notes app.

At least for quite some while his dream was this: When I think of forever, I think of Paul and me writing songs. Even though we’re fat and old. And I think of you. You and me. And you’re still beautiful and you’ll still laugh at my stupid jokes and I’ll be brushing your hair and maybe it’s silver then but you’ll still be my girl.

what she knows

Although John never really articulates it, it's obvious to the girl that John and Paul are far more than just good friends, that this John & Paul thing is crucial for John and something she couldn't interfere with anyway.
In a way, she is fine with the concept of a romantic partner not fulfilling every role in the other person's life, although she struggles with pangs of jealousy from time to time. She just manages to conceal it so well, that John is largely unaware of it.

She's jealous when John and Paul spend two weeks in Caversham in '60 and glady accepts John's invitation to join them for at least one weekend. An invitation John only offers - unbeknownst to the girl - because he can't cope with his feelings for Paul.
She's jealous when John takes Paul instead of her on his birthday hitchhiking trip in '61 but John mistakes it for just disappointment. He does his utmost to make it up to her, but only because he feels so guilty for what happened between him and Paul in Paris.
Finally, in 1967 John gets solid proof of the girl's true feelings when he reads her diary and learns that she envied Paul and John's special bond after they both took LSD so much that it drove her to drop acid with John as well despite her reservations and fear.

The girl also got an inkling quite early that John might be sexually interested in men. After her encounter with that mysterious man at one of John's college friend's poetry reading, who discusses Royston Ellis' Break Me In Easy poem with her, something clicks. Her awkward attempts to talk with John about it though, amount to John rudely shutting her up.
Still, throughout their relationship the girl continues to drop more subtle hints that she's open minded in that matter and plays along whenever John tentativley flirts with the idea of a threesome - with Paul or otherwise.
Occassionally she even does her own little mind games to both tease John and give him that extra thrill (it's not always a coincidence that she smells of the same spicy soap that Paul uses) - all in the name of love of course.